No, I am not being all dark or over inspired by death. I am not built the pessimistic way. It’s just some events and a writer’s theme inspired me to think about it. You now must be knowing it well enough, that what I think, I write.

So, the thought process started with, what it would be like to be a dead person? What would happen to me one day (not soon hopefully), when I will die?

Strangely, have you ever noticed, when someone dies we actually never think about that person. Yes, it’s true. We rather talk about how was that person in the past. We say, oh he was such a nice man, he was very kind, so lovable. Why it happened to him, he was so full of life?

Or we will think about what would have been his future, only if he hasn’t met this fatal end. We will say, oh he was so bright, he was just about to open up a new business. Or he could have been married next year.

Mostly, we talk about the family, which was left devastated by the loss. We will think about them, their future, like what will happen to them now? How will they cope? How will they move on? What will happen to the kids, to the wife?

We are always worried about the living.

Has anyone thought about it the other way, like where is that person now? Is he seeing us, worrying about his family? Is he around us? Is he crying over his own death, or thinking about the crisis that his family is facing? How is he coping with all this loss? Every one else has lost one important person from their life, but him, he has lost everyone, in just a second. He has lost his mother, father, wife, kids, his aspirations, ambitions, future, everything.

What it would be like if someday I’ll be dead? What would happen to me? What if there is no hell or heaven? I will not go anywhere and will stay here with everyone, just invisible. Not like a ghost, or maybe a ghost just without any demonic powers. What if I’ll be just like an invisible person which can do nothing other than watching everyone going on with their daily routine in few days, weeks, or months.

What it would feel like if after a year of my death (hopefully no sooner), I will be sitting on the same couch with my hubby, but he won’t even notice my presence, or what if he is with someone else? What if he is happy and back to his lively self? What if he is same, like the way he was when I was alive? What if my parents who gave life to me, would not even think of me in their prayers? What would it feel like when my own kids will forget about me. They will adapt to their new life, move on. A life of which I am not a part of. Maybe they won’t even know what their mother was like. Would that hurt me? Hurt me more than the death? Yes, it will hurt me. More than the death itself.

But, what it would feel like if after a year of my death, I will be sitting on the same couch with my hubby, but he would be all miserable, depressive because of my death? What if he is no longer that laughing, cheering, and full of life person that I fall in love with? What would I feel? What if I’ll saw my parents losing faith in God, because their precious child is taken away? What if I will see everyone in my family secretly crying and hiding their tears, so that they will look strong in front of others? What if I will see my kids still waiting for their Mamma to come back. Come back from somewhere, but just come back. What if they are still waiting? Would that hurt me? No, it will not only hurt me. It will tear me down. It will break me the way no death can ever do. It would be the worse.

I would prefer to go to hell for eternity than see my family like this.

I now know for sure that I would be content even with my death, if my family will move on. If they would live a life, which is full of Life. I would want them to move on. Maybe, I would be able to move too.

I am not dead. Not yet.

Thus I pray to God, that no one loose their loved ones.

I just pray…

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