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What does being Dead means?

Image March 6, 2014 jcisnowjs 6 Comments

No, I am not being all dark or over inspired by death. I am not built the pessimistic way. It’s just some events and a writer’s theme inspired me to think about it. You now must be knowing it well enough, that what I think, I write.

So, the thought process started with, what it would be like to be a dead person? What would happen to me one day (not soon hopefully), when I will die?

Strangely, have you ever noticed, when someone dies we actually never think about that person. Yes, it’s true. We rather talk about how was that person in the past. We say, oh he was such a nice man, he was very kind, so lovable. Why it happened to him, he was so full of life?

Or we will think about what would have been his future, only if he hasn’t met this fatal end. We will say, oh he was so bright, he was just about to open up a new business. Or he could have been married next year.

Mostly, we talk about the family, which was left devastated by the loss. We will think about them, their future, like what will happen to them now? How will they cope? How will they move on? What will happen to the kids, to the wife?

We are always worried about the living.

Has anyone thought about it the other way, like where is that person now? Is he seeing us, worrying about his family? Is he around us? Is he crying over his own death, or thinking about the crisis that his family is facing? How is he coping with all this loss? Every one else has lost one important person from their life, but him, he has lost everyone, in just a second. He has lost his mother, father, wife, kids, his aspirations, ambitions, future, everything.

What it would be like if someday I’ll be dead? What would happen to me? What if there is no hell or heaven? I will not go anywhere and will stay here with everyone, just invisible. Not like a ghost, or maybe a ghost just without any demonic powers. What if I’ll be just like an invisible person which can do nothing other than watching everyone going on with their daily routine in few days, weeks, or months.

What it would feel like if after a year of my death (hopefully no sooner), I will be sitting on the same couch with my hubby, but he won’t even notice my presence, or what if he is with someone else? What if he is happy and back to his lively self? What if he is same, like the way he was when I was alive? What if my parents who gave life to me, would not even think of me in their prayers? What would it feel like when my own kids will forget about me. They will adapt to their new life, move on. A life of which I am not a part of. Maybe they won’t even know what their mother was like. Would that hurt me? Hurt me more than the death? Yes, it will hurt me. More than the death itself.

But, what it would feel like if after a year of my death, I will be sitting on the same couch with my hubby, but he would be all miserable, depressive because of my death? What if he is no longer that laughing, cheering, and full of life person that I fall in love with? What would I feel? What if I’ll saw my parents losing faith in God, because their precious child is taken away? What if I will see everyone in my family secretly crying and hiding their tears, so that they will look strong in front of others? What if I will see my kids still waiting for their Mamma to come back. Come back from somewhere, but just come back. What if they are still waiting? Would that hurt me? No, it will not only hurt me. It will tear me down. It will break me the way no death can ever do. It would be the worse.

I would prefer to go to hell for eternity than see my family like this.

I now know for sure that I would be content even with my death, if my family will move on. If they would live a life, which is full of Life. I would want them to move on. Maybe, I would be able to move too.

I am not dead. Not yet.

Thus I pray to God, that no one loose their loved ones.

I just pray…

Life, Movies

Lovelace on a Highway

Image March 3, 2014 jcisnowjs 5 Comments

Warning: Spoilers ahead, in case you haven’t watched the movies “Highway” and “Lovelace”.

A Sunday well spent is, a Sunday spent on a couch watching some random movies and instead of burying them somewhere in your mind, have something to write about them. This Sunday I watched Highway then Lovelace and then a show “Satyamev Jayate S2”. Surprisingly, all three of them were connected to a single theme – Abuse of Women. Here I am not writing about “Satyamev Jayate”, because I believe it would require a separately dedicated post.

So, here comes my review along with my thoughts on the two movies I watched this Sunday.

Highway:

Highway is a story of a posh and high class young girl, who somehow seems to be trapped in that high culture aristocracy of Delhi. But inside she is a child wanting to explore the world, to know what it feels like to be free for a single day. This feeling can be understood by her state of mind as she was getting married the very next day and she decides to have her last freedom drive with her fiancee That is when she got kidnapped by some haryanvi rustic kidnappers. She was taken through a bumpy ride across north India, where by the passing days of her ordeal she discovered that she is tasting freedom for the first time in her life. She is free to go but she is longing to go away further in her journey. She realized that she is actually falling for her kidnapper,(this transition is very badly represented though), a man who has a rough exterior but who respects her and treats her with realism. She is no longer living a fake life of etiquette and good manners. That’s when she breaks down and share her tormenting past of child abuse to her kidnapper. How she had to behave like nothing has ever happened just because they are living in a society where child abuse is not considered a good word to hear. How she was facing her rapist uncle everyday at her home, and still she was behaving normally in front of him, as if the whole thing was not real but some nightmare.

Lovelace:

Lovelace is based on a real life story of girl, Linda, who got famous as a porn star by doing a porn movie once. She was just a regular teenage girl who feel suffocated by her over controlling church going parents and decided to move away with her recently found love interest Chuck. Chuck, who seems to be true gentlemen, soon marries Linda. They hit a financial rough patch and that’s when Chuck decides that the most easy way to earn money would be to have Linda work in a porn movie. She was scared and felt devastated and runs back to her mother, who only sends her back saying that a woman should always obey her husband, and do whatever he desires. She obeys. But Chuck was no gentlemen, not anymore. Beatings started and soon to earn more money he sells her last dignity, her body. Not to a single man but to a group of monsters.

After watching these two movies I realized the condition of women is not different in any part of the world. They may seem progressive sometimes but still many of them are sacrificing their freedom and dignity for their loved once. Sometimes by them and sometimes for them. Only thing that makes a difference in a woman’s life is when she starts listening to herself. When she decides to live her life on her own terms. In both the movies, the protagonist finally stands for herself and that’s when she break this circle of abuse and move on to live a life of dignity and worth-fullness. In Highway, she decides to move away from her parents and live alone her life, working independently. In Lovelace, she decides to leave her abusing husband. She marries again, become a mother, and writes about her “Ordeal” so that she can help other girls who are going through marital abuse.

Reflecting point is that no matter who you are or where you belong to, until and unless you stand for yourself, no one is going to respect you for who you are.

Be yourself. Be strong.

Life, Spiritual

My Last Day

Image March 2, 2014 jcisnowjs 4 Comments

Every morning we woke up and go on with our daily routines, school, college, work, office, market, breakfast, lunch, dinner and so on…. We are living same life again and again. Daily going through the same routine, same tasks, same problems and sometimes same emotions.

But what if, someday you will just come to know that today is your Last Day. I know, no one would like to imagine that, or to live that. But, just think about it, if one morning when you woke up, and you just somehow came to know that today is the last day of your life, and in the night when you will sleep, there will be no tomorrow.

What will you do then? What will you do on your very last day?

I have heard so many versions of this Last Day from friends, families and sometimes total strangers. Largely people say that they will do only good deeds on their last day. They will try to help other people, they will give food, clothes, money, love to everyone who is seem to be in need of it. Why? Because if they will do good deeds than their place after death will be secured in heaven. As if Satan will impart them just because they were good on their last day. Maybe it’s true. How would I know? Satan haven’t discussed it with me. 😦

One of my friend has a total different opinion. He said that if he will know about his Last Day, he will do every bad thing that he wanted to do, but hadn’t done because he was apprehensive of the consequences. Now on his last day, he could do any sort of thing? What worse could happen, he is going to die nevertheless. He has a point. But, doesn’t it mean that over the years he was just wearing a mask of being good. Well, I think most of us have that mask over us, and will probably be in our worst behavior if not for the sake of this mask.

Again coming back to the Last Day, one lady who is a housewife said that if she would know about her last day, she will live that day more adventurously. Maybe she will leave everything behind and just drive to some unknown place, or will try to befriend a total stranger, or will just live her life for the very first time, for the very last day. But, if she wanted to run away than why didn’t do it now? Why to wait for the end to start something new?

Few have said that they will drain their sorrows of last day in drinks and will party whole day and night till their last breath. That’s a really good option for those who want to just forget every pain, every happiness around them and will just immerse themselves in something which will fade away even their last memory.

What will I do?

My current state of mind says that if today will be my last day, I will probably do nothing.

I will just have my same old hot cup of Coffee in my favorite black large mug, and will sit on my favorite spot at the corner of the sofa near the large open window of my living room, will look at the same tree in front of my home; tree that sometimes seems to consume the little Sun in the orange blue sky of morning; tree that sometimes throw out so many black birds chirping and gushing out like they are late for their office work. I will probably try to soak everything. Then in all likelihood, I will hold my current read and will sip the hot coffee while immersing myself in someone else words of wisdom. After having this long ‘Me Time’ I would prefer to lie cuddled in the arms of my love, my hubby, and watch the two most naughty boys of this world tease the sweetest girl by breaking her dolls and pulling her hairs. I would love to see all three of my kids fighting and then come running to me complaining about each other. I would love to spend my last day just like this, doing nothing, just observing and doing nothing in particular. But then coming to think of it, I am living my every day just like I would have lived my Last Day. I am among those lucky ones who are living what they have ever dreamed of.

That was how I would live my last day.

How will You spend your day, if it will be your Last Day?

Kids and Me

I have a Curious George Problem

Image February 27, 2014 jcisnowjs 7 Comments

Being a Mom you don’t have a choice but to watch their favorite cartoons once in a while. Problem with being a Mom of three is that, you have to watch cartoons three time more, as each one of them as a different favorite cartoon. Good thing is that I know now almost each cartoon character, bad it’s hard to come back to real life.

I was watching one of their favorite show, Curious George. This one is liked by each one, maybe because it’s about a monkey or well, there can not be any other reason more compelling than having a curious monkey.

So, this curious monkey is named George and he is a pet owned by The Man in the Yellow Hat. Yes, the man is always referred like “The Man in the Yellow Hat”. Weird thing is that he not only has his hat yellow, but his whole suit is yellow, a bright lemony yellow. Why didn’t they named him “The Man in the Yellow Suit”? Why only Yellow Hat? There must have been an interesting answer to that. Alas! my limited knowledge. I am not aware of it.

While watching that show I thought, why would anyone living in a posh apartment and having all the luxurious things around his home, would like to have a freely roaming pet monkey. (doesn’t want to say that monkey should be chained though. Strongly disagree with this notion.) But think of it in this way, that why not a dog? Or rather a cat? Why a monkey which is as mischievous as George.

Problem with George is that he is curious, way too much curious. His curiosity is such that he is always creating problems for the people around him, specially for The Man in the Yellow Hat. Like this one time he create a mess in the home by splashing water all over the place, one time bringing a cow and once few pigeons to his home, or once bringing muddy feet to the whole building. Once he even lost some important documents and delivered all the packages at the wrong address.

Notion is who would want to own a pet who is always creating problems?

Well, I was just thinking about that and then I saw my cushion covered in crayons art, my toiletries all mixed up and on the floor, kitchen boxes in the play room, newspaper pieces in the clothes cupboard, clothes in the living room, pillows on carpet and toys, well toys were everywhere. Then I just looked and I can look only at one person, my two year old son Renne. He is a saint of a child, it’s just that when he is around, everything just starts to crumble. He would be happily running around and somehow the room walls will come on their own in front of him. Sometimes, he will just go in the kitchen and all of a sudden all the boxes would come and join at his feet. He would walk in an shopping aisle and all the food cans would just come rolling on the floor. It just happens. He don’t do any such things.

Well, I am not saying that. His Papa believes that. And want me to believe that too. 😛

Now, I know what does it mean to have a monkey in home. Also, you must have guessed who is the Man in the Yellow Hat, in our home.

Kids and Me, Life

What is the worst thing in having a Vacation?

Image February 20, 2014 jcisnowjs 5 Comments

It’s been almost a week when I wrote my last post “What My Kids Want From Me?”, and it seems harder now to write this one. As if I have lost the touch or that writer’s block kind of feeling. So after going through a blank mind for last two days I thought of writing about why I didn’t write for a week. Smart idea hmm….

I was vacationing. Yup, that’s the reason. Our fifth anniversary is coming up and also second birthday of my twin sons, so to celebrate, me and my husband decided to pamper ourselves with a holiday. A dream vacation. I am a mother of three now, but still if you would have asked me what is my dream vacation? My top three answer would definitely gonna carry Disneyland as one of the option. Still a kid from heart 🙂

Our trip included Universal Studio‘s theme parks, Disneyland and then we went to Miami and key west island. It was amazing. A really beautiful and wonderful experience. But this post is not to tell you about my vacation but rather to write about what part I didn’t liked.

What I didn’t liked was – The Preparation for Vacation.

Yes, here I said it all. It was too much tasking when you are going for a week long vacation and that too with small kids. Specially when you are something like me, a control freak. I need to have everything in control, and everything planned before I do anything. So when we sort of decided to go on a vacation, it was a nightmare for me. Nightmare because I was making plans even in my sleep.

From finding the flight tickets to booking a nice hotel and then to find out what are places that you should see. Not to forget canceling out what you can not see, because of small kids or time crunch. But above all, it was the clothes. Like all women, I have whole cupboard full of clothes, in fact I have taken over a part of my kids cupboard too (just don’t tell my hubby :P). But, still when we decided to go on a trip, I found out that I do not have anything good to wear. Yeah, I know it happens with all the girls out there. Mission shopping started…

After doing a lot of shopping for me and kids I realized maybe my husband need some new clothes too. It’s always a good idea to buy something for him too, in case you don’t want to focus his attention on the shopping bills 😛

Shopping done. Now to pack. Phew!

What to pack and what not to. By the way there should be an app for this. It’s so hard to pick something and leave the rest. If only we can pack everything in seconds and it won’t even consume any space in your bag. I wish. Alas, it doesn’t work that way.

We had an early morning fight, I have packed my stuff and kids stuff by the night, hubby was still chatting on FB, and I was not even sure if I have packed everything necessary. You know that feeling when you feel like what if you have forgotten something. That feeling along with why you are the only one who seems to be worried about everything. That’s when I panicked.

Now I even had a headache. Wow!!!

I don’t know what happened maybe a miracle or something that good senses prevailed into my husband and he came to the rescue. In time, I guess. So, I went to sleep after he promised me that he will handle everything and I can rest.

Well, he did. So in the morning I saw the bags all packed, every document in place, every bag placed in the hall near the door and my hubby tiredly sleeping on the couch. I was smiling. Grinning actually from one ear to another after seeing him like that. I knew from that moment that my vacation has started.

Love you sweetie.

(xoxo)